It is not a given...

Today...well tonight actually I was slapped in the face by reality.

When I was 21 and first told that I had 2 damaged fallopian tubes and alot of scar tissue, cysts, etc. I wasn't really concerned. My doctor told me that I could only get pregnant through IVF and again...I wasn't concerned. I didn't really think about the cost. I just assumed that you did IVF, insurance would cover it, and you would have a baby.

Tonight reality hit me square in the face. IVF doesn't always work. I am suffering, I hate my life, I am sick, and the only thing pushing me to get through each day is the fact that some day IVF will make me a mom. What if it doesn't? Why am I putting myself through this with such small odds that it will work?

The biggest question of all....

Why is THIS MY LIFE?! What did I do to deserve this? Why am I not happily married now at home snuggling my babies?!

You actually like kids!

So I was finally able to meet my friend's 1 month old baby today. She is so chubby...perfect and adorable! I snuggled her for nearly 2 hours and didn't even know that 2 hours had flown by! I of course offered up my services should she ever need someone to watch her baby and she told me she would trust me over any of there family! ha ha ha Then she told me that I should have a family because I actually like kids and am good with them. If only it were that easy....

Frustration

My kitchen floor...my bathroom floor...my pain...are current frustrations in my life and are all linked together.

I have decided to rip up the linoleum in my kitchen and bathroom and lay tile...the timing..well the tile is going to be put in on Friday - the day after Thanksgiving! I have three little girls at my house all weekend...then I work all next weekend. I am still not sleeping and am in a horrible amount of pain and somehow I am going to fit in trim and linoleum removal to prep the subfloor?!

I might be stressed.

Oh yeah I also have to empty these rooms too!

Another Day

Another day has come and gone. I survived my appointment barely. Hard truths were realized and discussed. I don't know when my appointments turned into talking about pain medications for half the appointment. I want to go back to when ibuprofen was enough. I don't know why the realizations that come with these appointments hit me so hard everytime - shouldn't I be used to it?! I miss being able to workout....so much so that I took 2 vicodins the other night so I could do a good cardio workout and weight workout. I want to turn back time and go back to when I could just live.

Tomorrow is Monday Again...

Originally written on Sunday, Nov. 7, 2010.

I am not ready for Monday to be here....I am not ready to go to the doctor yet again. Lupron sucks the life out of me...I am so exhausted...which would be okay if it took the pain away...but it doesn't take it all away. What am I going to do tomorrow?! What decision will I have to make? The pain pills are being opened too frequently...I never leave home without an ice pack...I haven't slept through the night in weeks...and I have started throwing up from the pain again. I needed - desperately needed - a girls night and someone who is supposed to be the best friend ever couldn't seem to find 2 hours. I now know where that person's priorities are and will not depend on her in the future. In all honesty, I should only rely on myself anyway.

I am trying really hard not to hate my life and everything around me...tonight it is not working.

It is time to take my ice pack off to bed with me....sadly Monday mornings almost always start with a 7AM meeting....that is just the WRONG way to start a week :-)